The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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