my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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