it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
