Don't make out with my wife yet
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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