make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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