If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
