Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
