If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Randomize
