I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
