I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
