Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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