woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize