K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
