if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
