where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
