i was born a porn star she said
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm way too hungover for life right now
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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