so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
