You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize