She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
