I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
