mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
