Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
