Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
