Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize