at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
