I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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