To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
