Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Redeem this text for a blowjob
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
