I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
