i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
