I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
