Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Randomize