I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I supernannyed him into submission
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
