thus making me awesome and them whores
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
My liver just had a heart attack.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I pour the whiskey from now on
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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