Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
