This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize