i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
