You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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