3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize