so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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