don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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