I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize