At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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