i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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