you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
