I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
