Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
