at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
