New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Randomize
