i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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