He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
