She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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