I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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