She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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