I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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