is your mom at the bar?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
