Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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