real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
