why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
No stitches, just platelets and will power
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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