I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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