I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Randomize
